In November, I turned 30 years old, which meant that I could no longer say that I had done gymnastics for the majority of my life. 15 years in the sport, 15 years out of it. I had a great gymnastics career… state titles, national championships, college scholarship… but it all ended abruptly because of my unhealthy relationship with food.

After years of restrictive eating, I headed off to college & quickly switched to binge eating. This ultimately led to me resigning from the sport after my sophomore year of college.

I had been told that my scholarship was contingent upon me losing a certain amount of weight over the summer before returning to school in the fall. That may sound harsh, but in reality, my weight was affecting my gymnastics. I lost the majority of my skills because of the amount of weight that I gained from switching from restrictive eating to binge eating. I did not yet recognize the new, concerning eating behavior, but I knew that the alternative of restrictive eating & excessive working out was definitely not a healthy route. I decided to give up my scholarship & retire from the sport… not the way any gymnast wants to go out.

Now, 10 years later, I finally sought out therapy to help with my struggles with food. I was tired of how our culture pushes the “solutions” - certain diets, certain exercise regimes, certain cleanses. I was ready to dive deeper & reach out for help with an issue that goes much deeper than I ever realized.

One of the keys of therapy is that it has helped me realize that for years I have been avoiding feeling my own emotions. Gymnasts don’t acknowledge fear, express pain, giveaway disappointment, or exude happiness. You have to stay composed. I carried those things with me throughout my life, & it became especially true again as a mother. You can’t boast too much about your children, you can’t let them see you cry, you can’t yell when you are frustrated, you can’t chuckle & risk embarrassing them. You hold those feelings in, & when you can’t humanly hold them in any further, you turn to food.

Without the crutch of overeating, you begin to feel again. And it is not always pleasant.

Through this healing process (that will continue to be a lifelong journey), I have realized that I don’t know how to process my emotions. My mind has to go through multiple steps when it comes across a raw emotion…

“Feel angry. Try to squash it down. Remind myself that it’s okay to feel anger. Want to throw a fit. Allow myself to have those thoughts. Look to what is causing the anger. Consider solutions to resolve that issue & the resulting anger.”

This process is much more involved than simply stuffing down my anger with food, & it requires a lot of time & energy. However, I am also seeing the positive effects of feeling raw emotions again. I am feeling more connected to the people I love. I am feeling more confident. I am feeling hopeful that therapy will finally be the path that brings me a healthier future.

I firmly believe that addressing the mental health side of eating disorders is a very healthy & helpful approach, & there are professionals available to you who understand the complexity of these types of issues.

Amy Gillespie, LCSW, graduate of the Simmons School of Social Work, emphasizes the difficulty of the lifelong healing process, "Healing is a lifelong journey, especially because food is a necessary part of life. While food is not the heart of the issue it is something that anyone recovering from an eating disorder needs to find a way to develop a healthier relationship with it. There are always ups and downs and one never gets to a point where they are ‘cured’ and don't have to think about it. The process of recovery is learning about yourself and your relationships with other people. It's learning to know that having feelings is okay, and you can manage them. It's loving yourself as you are. It is no easy feat, and it takes work. Life will always have ups and downs so recovery does not mean life will always be happy. The reward is you get to live and you get to live life in a full way, which is truly a beautiful thing.”

I encourage anyone struggling with their relationship with food to reach out & seek help from those around them & professionals with experience helping others in similar situations.

About the Author:

Shari Medini lives in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania with a supportive husband & two busy, little boys. Shari is a freelance writer for a variety of sites including her own - MomShar.com