As a little girl, my mother and I would sit on the sofa and watch television together. I remember being fascinated by cosmetic commercials as the supermodels floated across the screen, with seemingly flawless skin and long, flowing hair. I wanted to be apart of that world more than anything, and wondered if there was a place for me there, somehow, someday. One day I peered at Mom and asked, “Do you think I'll ever be able to model?” I earnestly waited for her warm reply, but instead she stared straight at the television and said, “There will always be someone prettier than you.” Her comment produced a tremendous amount of shame within me, although I knew better than to dwell on it. After all, it wasn't Mom's fault – she was suffering from mental health conditions.
My memoir, Washed Away, is soon-to-be released, and it stands for anyone who has ever felt shame, who has ever lived in the darkness. I wanted to write my book to give hope to others so that they know they can overcome anything. Although shame is a powerful feeling, it has no place in this world. I never imagined growing up that I would recover from my painful past, let alone publicly share it, and yet that is a testament to the power of recovery. Over the past three years I have been continuously amazed by the course of my healing journey. Recovery has allowed me to write and speak about my suffering and use it as a message to help others. I have also been able to assist and help build wonderful organizations who are working every day to empower hurting people all over the world. My entire life is in this book, and it's something that I think millions of people can use, as we all know what it is like to hurt, and ultimately, we can all benefit from personal transformation.
During my early childhood, I experienced a brief period of happiness. However after my parent's divorce, my mother remarried and that's when the problems began. I privately endured physical, emotional and eventually sexual abuse from a couple of family members. At the age of eight, I developed binge eating disorder, and at ten, bulimia nervosa. The disordered behaviors became a coping mechanism of sorts to deal with the trauma.
The abuse escalated throughout my teenage years until finally, I was sent to live with my biological father. Instead of reaching out for help, I dealt with my pain by purging, self-harming, isolating, drinking and abusing drugs. Mom was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and dissociative identity disorder, and instead of going to therapy she drank and attempted suicide.
By my early twenties, I had also tried to take my life, was divorced, and was living on the opposite side of the country. I had failed out of college too because of my eating disorder. I couldn't keep my mind focused on studies or work because of the constant voices inside that led me to the daily, disordered behaviors. My relationship with my family was estranged; memories from my destroyed childhood made it difficult for me maintain a stable connection. As a result of the sexual abuse, I became promiscuous, and looked to fill the emptiness inside with one relationship after another. In between the meaningless sex I tried alcohol, food, drugs, vanity and money, but nothing could take away my pain.
Then one day, I was approached and asked to model for local runway shows in Southern California. The success led into a contract for one of the nation's most prestigious agencies and soon I moved to Miami and New York City. My childhood dreams were becoming a reality; I thought that being famous and having my face plastered all over magazines and billboards would alleviate my misery, but little did I know, that my pain was just beginning. My so-called “fame” would come with a high price.
Washed Away by Nikki DuBose is set to be released sometime early 2016. More details to be announced. For more information, please contact info@thenikkidubose.com
