After a busy holiday season of cooking, eating and football at my in-laws, I spent ten minutes writing about my victories/successes of the past year.  I felt ecstatic to pause and look at my accomplishments, a topic that certainly never came up during the holiday.  The write was a way of reclaiming a me deeper than the one laughing with family at the dinner table.  I like the me who joins in the laughter and I love the family and their good spirits, but I also need to keep in touch with that truer and more complex me.

The supposedly simple act of conversation is not always so simple for me.  Time with women friends is  energetic meandering flow (or overflow) of talk.  Chat with hubby is intimate and casual and often funny.  Writing workshops open my heart with what is shared, inspiring me to be open, vulnerable, authentic too.  But small talk seemingly required at holiday gatherings is strangely exhausting for me, trying to find some safe and engaging common ground.

I find that both my own family and my in-laws have cultures in which certain subjects are talked about and others are banned.  When I've ventured into the off-limits topics, I feel as if I'm speaking to them in a foreign language.  I can feel sad, lonely, as if I'm fading into invisibility.  Some essential parts of me seem crumpled up and tossed away.

This pain makes me glad to always have my journal near at hand, including during holiday travels.  I like to check in with myself to remember who I really am, to feel grounded and whole, to return to what a therapist once dubbed my secret garden inside me, a place of deep splendors and riches not always seen.

Beyond the Small Talk

If you'd like to connect with yourself in this way, pick one of these categories from NEDA's “Twelve Ideas to Help People with Eating Disorders Negotiate the Holidays,” compiled by Michael E. Berrett, PhD (or any other issue that calls you to explore):

• decisions
• victories
• challenges
• fears
• concerns
• dreams
• goals 
• special moments
• spirituality
• relationships
• feelings

Simply write for ten minutes, what I call "catching up with yourself."  What are your victories of 2014?  What are your concerns lately?  What dreams are you holding in your heart (perhaps unspoken) for the new year? What feelings are you experiencing this holiday season, maybe a whole roller coaster of contradicting ones?

After writing, deepen the experience with a Reflective Write, reading what you've written and jotting down thoughts and feelings you noticed as you read.  This honors your writing and strengthens connection with yourself.  Sometimes I even read aloud to myself to hear my voice in the air.

This writing practice is good any time; keep this list in your journal or computer and simply choose a topic and write for ten minutes.  A lot can be unearthed in those few minutes.  I emerged feeling victorious about who I was and how my life was going after reflecting on my victories of the year.  I felt revived after the family holiday—CPR via pen and paper!

I believe this kind of writing helps to keep us real during the holidays and throughout the year and keeps our secret gardens in bloom.  And I believe that a few buds from our beautiful inner gardens might sprout into conversations in unexpected and connecting ways!