If you could go back and talk to yourself at the beginning of your recovery journey, what would your wiser self say to your younger self?
Looking back, I have so much compassion for the young woman who was brave enough to seek out recovery from bulimia and binge eating almost 14 years ago. She was sad, and felt so alone despite the beautiful life and friends surrounding her that she was trying to take herself out, numb the hurt, escape the fear...with food.
Before I started as the national walk manager at NEDA, I coordinated the Westchester, PA Walk two years in a row. Working with coordinators across the country to spread awareness and foster supportive communities is my dream job. More than 15,000 people in 65 cities participate in NEDA Walks, and I am grateful to be a part of it all!
So, I want to tell you a little bit more about what NEDA Walks are and why I think they are so special.
The New York State Legislature voted last week to approve a restoration of funding to the Comprehensive Care Centers for Eating Disorders (CCCEDs) back to $1.2 million in the 2016-2017 state budget. This is big news because that funding has been dramatically slashed in recent years, with some centers receiving only $40,000 per center, which essentially eliminated their ability to provide care.
NEDA took a group of amazing advocates to Albany to lobby for the restoration of these funds last month - this victory proves that our voices are having an impact!
I was a talented athlete. I won accolades in high school, and pitched on the softball team for Villanova University. I was voted All-East Pitcher of the Year, Academic All-America, and later I pitched professionally in Italy.
I became a fitness contest participant and winner, and model. I served in the United States Marines Corps, won leadership awards, became a platoon leader, and served in Iraq, leading 150 Marines on several dangerous missions.
When I was in the midst of my eating disorder I was terrified of the dark. I did anything I could to escape from darkness--those uncomfortable feelings of anxiety, deep depression and loneliness. I know what it feels like to live in darkness and feel the hopelessness that comes with feeling lost.
As a former model, commercial actress and host, I enjoyed my share of success within the fashion and entertainment industries. I also suffered from binge eating disorder, bulimia and anorexia nervosa for the length of my career—although the behaviors didn’t begin in the industry, they were exacerbated by things I heard, saw and experienced: things like sexual harassment, trauma, bullying, exposure to wild parties, drinking, drugs and the daily pressure to lose weight.
In November, I turned 30 years old, which meant that I could no longer say that I had done gymnastics for the majority of my life. 15 years in the sport, 15 years out of it. I had a great gymnastics career… state titles, national championships, college scholarship… but it all ended abruptly because of my unhealthy relationship with food.
After years of restrictive eating, I headed off to college & quickly switched to binge eating. This ultimately led to me resigning from the sport after my sophomore year of college.
In collaboration with the Eating Disorder Treatment Collaborative and special guest Chevese Turner, President, Founder and CEO of the Binge Eating Disorder Association (BEDA), NEDA hosted the Beyond Hunger: Understanding, Treating & Coping with Binge Eating Disorder conference in honor of NEDAwareness Week 2016.
The 2016 National Eating Disorders Awareness Week was an enormous success. The campaign reached nearly 200 million people with information and resources through social media alone, and close to 40,000 people took the online screening. Another bright spot was the number of generous landmark buildings that were iluminated in green and blue in observance of NEDAwareness Week.
For years, my body didn’t belong to me. It was my disorder’s. Signed and paid for with my own self-hatred; countless hours at the gym on almost zero food; a scrap of paper I kept in my calendar to proudly mark the number of calories I’d burned, far greater than what I’d consumed. My anorexia had had her brittle hands on me for years, and I didn’t want to admit it. She was with me when I tried on wedding dresses, forcing me to choose the one I felt least fat in. She would whisper in my ear every time I bought groceries.
